If you try hard enough you can change it!
“We deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame and without compromise.”
– Elliot Page
Thursday, June 27, 2024
I grab the H volume of the 1986 World Book Encyclopedia and dash into the bathroom and lock the door.
I’m in eighth grade, and it’s a Saturday afternoon in Miami, FL where everyone is home, but no one is around.
I start flipping through the pages knowing that I can’t be in the bathroom forever.
HUGUENOT . . . I’ve flipped too far.
HELIUM . . . I’ve gone too far in the other direction.
I flip one more time and land on the entry that I’m looking for . . .
HOMOSEXUALITY.
My early crushes had been both boys and girls. I inherently knew that I could say the names of the girls . . . Jessica, Michelle, Kelly . . . but the names of the boys I had to keep to myself. As I got older, the feelings towards the girls disappeared and the attraction to my own gender became more pronounced.
I know I have an attraction to boys . . . does that mean that I’m a homosexual?
I devour the article and come upon the last paragraph . . . which I will paraphrase as saying, “In some cases, if the person tries hard enough, they can reverse the homosexual desire and impulse.”
That was what I was looking for. A sign that there was a cure . . . a solution. It’s one thing to have homosexual desire, it’s another TO BE A HOMOSEXUAL. I could discipline myself and work as hard as possible to ensure that this secret desire would be neutralized and/or disappear. And I made a promise to myself that I was going to be one of those cases.
I leave the bathroom, with the H Volume in hand. I place it back on the bookshelf . . . relieved.
I’m armed with a sense of clarity and purpose.
And…
No matter how hard I tried . . .
No matter how hard I prayed . . .
No matter how hard I suppressed it . . .
I couldn’t keep the gay . . . at bay!
Reflecting upon this childhood memory, I’m present to the palpable fear that permeated all aspects of my life. Fear of being found out. Fear of disappointing my family. Fear of failure. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I built a business that’s all about being fear . . . LESS!
The one feeling that I can remember when I came out my freshman year of undergrad, was relief. Relief in finally being able to bring to light and integrate my deepest shame and slowly allow it to become my super power.
As we wrap up Pride Month, I want to celebrate all who have made this journey. All the members of our LGBTQIA+ community who continue to boldly and publicly own the truth of their being and all the allies that continue to create homes, workplaces, and communities where we feel safe and thrive.
Happy Pride!
Fearlessly Yours,
Eduardo
